oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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