Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
