shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
