just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
