OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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