Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
