Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
