I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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