Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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