i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
