Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
only if we run a train.
done.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
