Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
