Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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