forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
