If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
