She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
