So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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