I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
