yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
