wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
