You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
