The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
