Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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