You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
