ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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