I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
