You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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