he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
