Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
