I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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