Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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