saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
