Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
