Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
