I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
