i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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