i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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