Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
