Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
