i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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