home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
