I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
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I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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