hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
