I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
