Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
