You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
