He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
