I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
