You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
is it fun? or sober?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
