your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
