my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
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Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
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I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This toilet bowl is my home.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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