He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
