Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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