Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
