She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My balls are so social today.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
