I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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