Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
