I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
