watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
a search helicopter?!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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